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DIARY OF A BALEMAN AGED 16 ¾

Posted on 31/07/2015 by Bale Push Administrator in The Bale Man General News
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September 19th – A big day for the people of Scotland. Today was the day that Scottish citizens had their referendum. Although they voted to stay in the UK, the whole business has stirred things up in Cornwall. You’ll never guess what’s happened over at West Pentire. They’ve decided that they want their own referendum! They want to declare independence from Crantock. I wouldn't mind... But West Pentire is nothing like Scotland. Well there are a few chaps up there who wear skirts. I think that's just a weekend thing.

October 31st - Warmest Halloween on record. I’ve installed a hot tub in my garden. It’s amazing what you can do with a paddling pool and a garden strimmer. I made the mistake of answering the door to some young trick-or-treaters in my trunks. Slight misunderstanding! The parents, Devon and Cornwall Police and I managed to come to a peaceful agreement. That was a long week.

November 28th - Today is known as 'Black Friday'. Upcountry, shoppers were fighting in the supermarket aisles. Those scenes were insignificant compared to what went on at Crantock Post Office today. I was queuing outside at 3am to make sure I didn't miss out on any bargains. As the shop opened, I managed to hand-off two pensioners and kick a toddler out of my way. I got to the counter and haggled a five percent discount. Best pasty I have ever had.

December 12th - I decided to go on my travels again. I arrived at Heathrow with hours to spare so went exploring around the airport. I found the best amusement arcade I have ever seen! I wedged open the door to a room packed wall-to-wall with computer games. Most of them looked a bit like ‘Space Invaders’ and after a couple of hours I had really got the hang of it. It's lucky I had found something to do because some idiot had broken the air-traffic control system. My flight was delayed for hours.

January 1st - This year’s trip was to Turkey. It’s a very nice country even if there is not as much poultry as I was expecting. I picked up my backpack and found myself on the Syrian border. What a party town! There were tents everywhere, just like Glastonbury, and just across the border I could see the best fireworks display I had seen in years. It had to be the headline act so I headed off in that direction.

January 22nd - Now after my last visit to the Middle East, I had thought the place might have calmed down a bit. I can assure you that it hasn’t. The firework display was a health and safety nightmare, rockets were hitting houses and cars and there was no safety fencing whatsoever. Although to be fair, most people were wearing hard hats. It was so stressful that I found a quiet spot and cracked open a beer. After I had put on an Elton John CD and started reading my copy of ‘The Sun’, I was interrupted by some very angry men.

January 24th - For two days now, I have been running from those lunatics! A truck pulled up to my campsite and these fellows in black started shouting at me and firing into the air. Well I’m not daft; I’ve met people from Plymouth before. I legged it! Luckily my straw complexion blends in pretty well with the desert and I managed to shake them off. I had terrible difficulties getting back into Turkey though. Must have been the backpack! I’m still not exactly sure what was going on out there, but as far as I can make out Sonny has fallen out with Cher and the people over there have taken sides. I can’t really follow it but I can tell you it is a right pain in the Assad.

March 10th - Had a lovely weekend away. I booked into my hotel and there was a tremendous buffet to welcome me. It was so good someone had written ‘Top Gear’ next to it. I tucked in and relaxed in the bar. A bit later on, there was some trouble and a chap called Clarkson punched a man who kept pointing in my direction. There must have been something interesting behind me. Clarkson ended up getting the sack from a television programme. If they are looking for a new presenter I’m sure I could do the job. ‘Star on the Back of a Reasonably Priced Tractor’ has a nice ring to it.

May 7th - It was predicted to be a tight vote, but after the ballots closed there was a clear result. The Crantock Bale Push elections saw several long-standing Committee members voted off. When the new chairman is elected, he will have to enter some careful negotiations to make sure he retains a majority. Yet again, I received zero votes. I’m not sure these elections aren’t rigged.

June 2nd - The forthcoming 2022 Bale Push in Qatar is under threat. FIFA have been raided by the FBI who are investigating corruption there (I believe the raids were put off pending the results of the investigation into where bears prefer to go to the toilet). This is a problem as Qatar took on the Bale Push as a job lot with the World Cup. It’s such a shame! We really had to push them but the Sheikhs eventually agreed to take on the football as long as it guaranteed them a Bale Push.

June 4th - The new Chairman of the Bale Push has been elected. In an organisation this important, it is vital to find an experienced administrator with an unblemished track record. I’m sure Mr Blatter will prove a massive success. He’s very efficient! He has already put in a stationery order. I’m not sure why he needs so many brown envelopes, but we won’t be running out any time soon.