September 12th 2011 – After the long flight to New Zealand I stepped off the plane to be greeted by fifteen men dressed in black making throat cutting gestures! Now it turns out this was just a traditional Haka welcoming us into the country, but how was I supposed to know this? Anyway the misunderstanding was cleared up and the last two will get out of hospital tonight so no real harm was done, except to them.
September 15th 2011 – Oh dear, last night got rather out of hand.... I went out for a quiet night of dwarf tossing but found the England squad in the bar. Of course the players recognised me and, as I am well paid for my Bale Push appearances, I treated them to a few rounds of drinks ‘on Crantock’, as it were. I ended up drinking with the captain (it’s nice at least one of the royal family is still talking to me after that misunderstanding at Prince William’s wedding), he was chatting innocently with one of the girls that followed me in, but sadly I also always get followed by photographers, and one of these took some unfortunate photos, by now there were a lot of drunken shenanigans going on and I managed to sneak out of the back door with three of the Romanian Ladies’ side.
September 16th 2011 – It has really hit the fan here, our little night out has been all over the papers! It turns out I am staying in the same hotel as the England Squad. I have heard Martin Johnson is looking for me, perhaps he wants me to play in the next game , apparently he called me a ‘complete flanker’, well - I think that’s what he said.
September 20th 2011 – Woke up in Auckland hospital. Mr Johnson did find me. He didn’t want me to play for England.
October 20th 2011 – I decided to get out of New Zealand but I’m not sure that the travel agent heard me correctly. I did say I wanted somewhere with plenty of sand but I didn’t mean Libya! This is a funny country. Just earlier I was out for a walk and a convoy of cars came past, I was a bit lost so I flagged them down (being a twelve foot man made of straw bales does get you noticed). This old chap jumped out of a car, I think he may have been a local celebrity because he was dressed very flamboyantly, there were fireworks and a noisy crowd gathered. He must have been lost too because he wandered into a tunnel but I waved and shouted and the crowd soon found him, they were so pleased to see this fellow they carried him off on their shoulders, all cheering. Strange people but very friendly, no idea who he was.
February 21st 2012 – I have now been in Greece for two days, I was surprised to be met at the airport by the Prime Minister! I thought my celebrity had preceded me but it turned out that he just wanted the Greek economy to be one of the nominated charities for the Bale Push this year. This won’t be happening. I haven’t forgiven the Greeks for omitting Bale Pushing from the original Olympics.
February 27th 2012 – I returned home to the UK in time for a shock. The News of the World have been hacking my phone! No wonder I got photographed that time I went out with Charlotte Church!
April 7th 2012 – I have been spending most of my time in London as it is more convenient for a celebrity like me. I like to take a daily swim in the Thames but today I was rudely interrupted! One minute I was bobbing along happily, the next an oar nearly took my head off and lots of posh people were yelling at me! Honestly I go for a swim and I get called an Idiot, David Walliams does it and he’s a hero. I think it’s safe to say Oxford and Cambridge won’t be sending teams to Bale Push this year.
May 18th 2012 – Just got off the phone to Seb Coe, the Olympic Torch has just arrived in Cornwall and I was furious that a sporting celebrity like me wasn’t invited to carry it. I’ve calmed down now, Seb explained that with the naked flame of the torch I could be a fire hazard and the IOC didn’t want any horrific accidents, which is fair enough I suppose.
June 5th 2012 – Great experience last night. I wanted to play my part in the Jubilee festivities but after that spot of unpleasantness with Pippa at the wedding I had to keep my head down a bit. I also decided to skip the flotilla as I thought some of the rowers might recognise me. Luckily I was able to talk my way backstage for the concert, in fact if you watch the footage you can see me playing bass for Cliff Richard on ‘Wired for Sound’, interesting song by the way, I think it is about Cliff’s hearing aid. The after party was great fun, although my memories are a bit hazy because Tom Jones and I polished off the Creme de Menthe, things went well until I knocked out Lenny Henry for cutting off Rolf Harris mid-song. Even though Cheryl Cole was shouting that it wasn’t worth it, I thought that I was justified but there was no reason for Elton John to kick him while he was on the floor. Terrible scenes.