1st September - Great excitement this morning as I woke up to the headline 'Real Madrid pay £85 million for Bale.' I thought that someone had finally appreciated my true value. I reckoned Spain sounded all right, I never liked bulls anyway, they always look at me like I'm something to eat. Turns out it was all to do with some Welsh footballer, £85 million for kicking a ball about! I bet he doesn't even provide his own tractor.
3rd October - After reading in the papers about how Ed Milliband's father hated Britain and proved it by joining the navy and fighting the Nazis. I was shocked to find local paper was trying to dig some dirt on my own family tree, the press are always trying to get at celebrities of my stature. Anyway I have nothing to fear, my great-uncle won a shed load of medals in World War II. Good old Uncle Manfred von Bale.
November 16th - I have been on a short trip to Scotland, it was recommended I went Salmon fishing so I asked a passer-by where I could find one, I don't think he was listening because he just waved towards a big building and said 'making a speech over that way' I thought this was odd but the locals know best. The next guy I asked sent me to a viewing gallery, well I thought; 'in for a penny in for a pound,' (which is more than I'd let that lot have, now I know better) Security got me just before I made my cast, which is probably a good thing, the last thing television viewers need to see is a politician with a hook in his mouth. Anyway as it was I missed the blueprint for Scottish independence, probably something to do with deep-fried Mars bars and whiskey for all.
November 21st - I am not really welcome in Australia after a some misunderstandings a few years ago. However, after tense negotiations, I have been allowed entry to the country in my position as team building officer for the England cricket team. To be fair it was me or Piers Morgan so it was no contest. I've started work already, 'Cheer up Trotty!' I shouted across the nets earlier, he was so enthused he gave me a 'V for victory' sign.
January 7th - Let's be fair, that tour could have gone better, we got stuffed 5-0. I don't know what went wrong, the guys followed my advice to the letter. Swanny was tired one night so I said 'retire early mate,' in all honesty he took that a bit too literally, but I can't be blamed for that. I also encouraged the players to whistle wherever possible to keep up morale which was a great success. Anyway, I did my bit so I fully expect to keep my position, best thing they can do is sack their best player. That'll turn things around straight away.
February 5th - It has now been raining since Christmas and half the country is under water! The rail line to the South West has fallen into the sea, luckily I travel everywhere on the back of a tractor so I was able to get to the airport without too much trouble. My holidays have been quite eventful over the last few years so I have decided to go somewhere that is never in the news. I think I will try the Crimea.
March 24th - I have only just got home, as the Winter Olympics had just finished I decided to blend in by wearing a Russia Ice Hockey jersey. What I didn't know is that the Crimea is part of the Ukraine, well not anymore it isn't, but you know what I mean. The Ukrainians and the Russians don't seem to get along and I ended up in jail! They said I must be a spy or an idiot, and decided I was a spy, which shows what they know. To be honest I think the lot of them should lay off the vodka for a while. Why is it that everywhere I go on holiday is full of tanks and angry people? I'm thinking of changing my travel agency.
April 21st - The BBC have just shown a new version of Jamaica Inn on the TV. It's set in Cornwall though to be fair I couldn't hear a word they mumbled so it could have been set in Jamaica itself for all I could tell. The worst part of it is they cut my part out entirely I spent days on set perfecting my part as 'mud-caked peasant number three.' I got the mumbling just right but they replaced me at the last minute with someone who sounded like Long John Silver after a night in the pub.
April 24th - The Cornish have been officially granted minority status by the EU. Now from where I'm standing (the middle of a field with a metal pole in a sensitive area), this is a bit ironic. Crantock is full of Cornish, I reckon every fourth person I see is one of them. I'm the minority here and what special treatment do I get? Nothing that's what. They don't even let me in to the pubs! Just because I am 'too big to fit through the door'. Well, that and the unpleasant incident with the two sixth formers. It's the everyday prejudice that gets to me.
May 10th - Took a trip to Copenhagen for the Eurovision Song Contest, I arrived late as my pole set off the metal detectors at the airport, but was immediately invited backstage (I'm very big in Scandinavia). I was very impressed with the Austrian entry, Conchita was marvellous, I only saw the performance from behind but I must say it takes balls to get up there and sing in front of that many people. Anyway I left a note in her dressing room asking her out for the next night and her manager found me later and she said yes! Then she only went and won the competition, fully deserved, the performance was full of spunk. We could be the Posh and Becks of Austria.
May 12th - No wonder she was so keen to go out with me! Conchita turned up alright but only then did I discover she has a beard like W G Grace. The paparazzi were there so I decided to go with it for a while. The last straw was when she stood next to me at the urinals, that was enough for me and I legged it. These Europeans are a strange bunch, I'm thinking of voting UKIP in future.
May 22nd - Today is the day of the European elections, I'm not sure who to vote for but I'm getting worried about the future of Crantock. What I've noticed is that there are increasing numbers of silage bales appearing around the village, I find them quite intimidating. They are completely covered in black and you can't see their faces and they all crowd together in their own fields never mixing with the straw and hay bales that have been in Crantock for generations. I'm not sure who to blame for this but I'm going to settle for the EU.