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The Secret Diary of the Bale Push Man (Age 11 & 3 quarters)

Posted on 21/08/2011 by Bale Push Administrator in The Bale Man

Crantock’s famous Bale Man keeps a high public profile during the run up to the Big Bale Push, but up to now, little as been known of his movements during the rest of the year. Here we can exclusively publish extracts from his diary, which will provide some surprising insights into his busy schedule.

September 15th - At last! Recognition for my charity work; an invitation to meet the Pope, no less. His Holiness is visiting the UK, but is inexplicably missing Crantock from his schedule, this means I will have to go to him! I find it difficult to get a seat on the train, this is most inconsiderate.

September 16th – Today could have gone better, the Pope was delayed due to straw on the road no idea how that got there…. Managed to bash my way through the crowds and have a quick word. Soon found out that His Holiness and I disagreed over several theological issues. I have decided to come home as soon as I get out of custody. Quite like his little car though, I might get some bulletproof glass for my trailer.

October 13th – I’m glad to see those Chilean miners have been rescued. The whole situation makes me think about conditions in the Crantock Bale mines. Mind you they were only down there 69 days, I spend longer than that on my trailer in all weathers. And I’ve got a metal pole up my wotsit.

November 10th - Decided to spend some time in London as I was going to check out the Olympic sites in case Crantock decides to bid again. There were lots of student chappies milling around complaining about some bloke called Clegg. Anyway, the students broke some windows and got beaten up by the Police. That’ll teach that Clegg chap, I can’t quite see how, but students are very clever. Eventually I managed to sneak away, but tripped over a badly spelt placard, stumbled, and smashed the window of an expensive car. The couple inside looked a bit shocked. The rich looking fellow inside said something like, “I’ll get him Camilla.” I made a quick exit. All in all, it was an eventful day. Never got to meet Seb Coe though.

December 1st – Have had enough of all this snow and decided to go travelling. Somewhere exotic I think…

December 25th – I have spent the last month in Australia. The trip got off to a difficult start, full cavity search a Heathrow!! The drugs dogs mistook the smell of damp straw for something more medicinal! I soon cleared up that misunderstanding, but was walking a bit gingerly getting onto the plane. Decided to partake in a restorative Brandy or three, to be honest I’m not entirely sure what I said to the Air Hostess but suffice to say I entered Australia in handcuffs! Well, I suppose that’s how the rest of them got here…. After release I decided to watch the Ashes, as my normal pose resembles a rudimentary Sprinkler Dance I soon became rather popular. That was until Ricky Ponting decided I was to blame for him getting out first ball! I didn’t even know what a Sight Screen was. Never mind that I’m not supposed to walk in front of it carrying four pints of beer and a hot dog. I’m now not so popular and am thinking of leaving Aus.

February 11th – Moved on from Australia and decided to give Egypt a try. Had nowhere to stay, but found a lovely campsite in a square in Cairo. I think it must be good, there are thousands staying here. The security is brilliant, there are tanks everywhere.

February 13th – Not a campsite. How have I managed to find myself in another demonstration? People are burning straw effigies!!!!!!! I think I need to get out of Egypt before it gets nasty. Libya looks nice.

March 15th – Libya is not nice! This Gadaffi chap is a lunatic, ranting nonsense and setting troops on civilians. He’s nearly as bad as the Bale Push Committee. I was reluctantly hiding out in a harem, when the SAS swooped in to fly me out; it was nice of them to come all that way for me, but they wouldn’t let me bring any of the ladies with me! Not even one, they said there was no room on the helicopter and not one of them offered to jump off! A bit mean if you ask me.

April 29th – What a day! I turned up at Westminster Abbey brandishing my invitation. I’d assumed I would be near the front, perhaps next to Mr Cameron, nothing too flashy. Imagine my horror when I found myself between Posh Spice and Elton John! This was where things began to go wrong, their conversation was driving me mad, and so I broke out the hip flask before the reception in the Palace. Now perhaps I shouldn’t have said THAT about Pippa, but did Prince Harry really need to march me out of the gates at sword point?

July 1st – I’m pretty glad to be back in Crantock to be honest. Looking forward to the Bale Push now, heavy bales being pushed at speed through a crowded village, what could go wrong?