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The View From The Trailer - A Baleman's Year

Posted on 10/05/2013 by Bale Push Administrator in The Bale Man

September 1st 2012 - I have written a novel; it is called ‘Fifty Sheds of Hay’ it is proper filthy and is sure to be a hit with perverts. I haven’t heard anything from the publishers yet but it’s only a matter of time.

September 7th - I am currently in France on a bird watching trip. I met a curious fellow yesterday; I was walking through the woods when he approached me. I had already got some good pictures of songbirds and was leaning against a high wall and we got chatting, I told him about my collection of bird watching photos and he said if you can get a camera over the wall I could get some pictures of a “pair of Great Tits”. Well I jumped at the chance! I have pointed my long lens at plenty of birds over the years but this was too good an opportunity to miss. I had to stretch to get my camera over the wall (lucky I am nearly twelve feet tall) so couldn’t see what I was shooting but the chap helpfully let me use his telephoto and promised to forward the pictures to me, “Oh, you’ll see them soon enough” he said.

September 13th - I am in trouble. That man wasn’t a Twitcher he was a Paparazzi (not a type of sausage, I looked it up). There are topless pictures of the Duchess of Cambridge all over the internet! I was pretty sure I would be furious about this invasion of privacy but I Googled them just to be sure, after several minutes I recognised the surroundings and realised I had been tricked into taking them! I’m so angry I could throttle a Grebe. The Royal family hate me already, when Prince Harry learns to fly that Apache helicopter I’m going to keep my head down.

October 14th - Everyone around here is going mad about some Austrian chap who has completed a world record parachute jump. I don't see what all the fuss is about? Admittedly he was twenty-four miles above the ground, but what he has basically done is fallen off of something. I ride around on the back of that trailer for weeks on end and I have not fallen off once yet. I understand the gentleman in question is named Felix Bumgardener. Strange people those Austrians.

October 20th - The racehorse Frankel has retired after fourteen races unbeaten. He is spending the rest of his life going out to stud in luxury stables. I note that the Committee Chairman has stood down. I wonder if he has come to a similar arrangement?

October 30th - Bad news! As many of you will be aware my media career has been slow in taking off. I really thought that I had it covered with my new idea for a television programme. But I have just had a call from the BBC and they have pulled the plug. What a shame! I really thought 'Baleman'll Fix it' was a winner.

November 15th - After hearing what's been going on at the BBC I'm glad that they don't want my ideas! Personally I think this 'Operation Yewtree ' should be looking into the Bale Push Committee. I've seen them all, lurking around the start line at the start of the Ladies' Race.

February 4th 2013 - Chris Huhne has been sent to prison after trying to get his wife to accept his speeding points. This reminds me of that time when a Committee member tried to palm his bar tab off on his wife. Huhne has been sent down for 'Perverting the Course of Justice'. We have a few of those around here...

February 15th - Over the years, through no fault of my own, I have been thrown out of several countries and indirectly caused the death of a recently deposed dictator. As a result, my holiday choices this year are a bit limited. I have chosen North Korea. It's an unusual choice but I have gone for it on the basis that the fat little lunatic in charge is the world leader that most resembles a Baleman.

March 1st - Well things escalated quickly! Apparently the North Koreans are slightly paranoid about outsiders visiting. To make matters worse they have been testing nuclear bombs this month. It seems that they aren't happy because the battery ran out for the Mickey Mouse Club alarm clock that they are using as a timer and the test failed. The secret police are blaming foreign spies and were looking for suspects. Suspicion turned my way when I couldn't finish my Poodle Burger and I was quickly rounded up. After several days in the Gulag the Foreign Office got me released. "Not you again" they said playfully, "just get on that plane and take off!" Well I think they said take off.

March 13th - In my absence the Pope has resigned! Seriously, I go away for a few weeks and things fall apart. As I have not been banned from the Vatican yet, I decided to check things out. There was momentary excitement a few days ago when people saw the white smoke above the Basilica. Unfortunately that was because someone had discarded a cigarette onto my head. The confusion was soon sorted out and no harm was done ...except to my head.

April 17th - Just back from Mrs Thatcher's funeral, I was invited because I was the only straw-based man never to go on strike. I managed to keep a low profile until my phone went off in my pocket. Now I wish that I had never downloaded that Wizard of Oz soundtrack onto my phone! There were several people there with no sense of humour. Still I say if you've never been chased through London by George Osborne, the Canadian ambassador and the band of the Coldstream Guards then you've never lived.

May 3rd - Today was local election day. The excitement really got to me and I noticed that UKIP did really well. This got me thinking. In recent years the Bale Push has been won by people who have come into the village from as far away as Newquay and Holywell. When will the people of Crantock wake up and see what's going on? They'll be taking our jobs and our women next. I have decided to start my own party: The United Crantock Residents Against Peripherals (UCRAP). We will be standing in the next European Elections, probably somewhere near Mr Burlusconi. His parties sound great!

May 8th - Sir Alex Ferguson has resigned and there is a strong rumour he will be taking over as the Chairman of the Bale Push Committee. If this happens there is no chance of the event ever finishing on time.